


Enigma Fiver

by aussiemel



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Gen, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-25
Updated: 2010-09-25
Packaged: 2017-10-12 04:32:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/120832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aussiemel/pseuds/aussiemel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five Minute stargate episode. Enigma. Parody</p>
            </blockquote>





	Enigma Fiver

**Author's Note:**

> Lyrics from these songs; 1- I'm Dreaming of a white Christmas. 2- Its Raining Men By Geri Halliwell. 3- Oops I did It Again by Brittany Spears. 4- What's New Pussy Cat By Tom Jones 5- I'm Free By the Rolling Stones. 6- She Bangs by Ricky Martin.

On planet P3X-7763

Jack – (sung) "I'm dreaming of a black Christmas"

Daniel – "Riiight….. You do know this isn't snow don't you Jack?"

Jack – "Of course"

Sam – "I don't think these are Santa's Elves either."

Teal'c – "O'Neill, this life form is still alive"

Tollan – "No I'm not."

Teal'c – "Indeed. You are."

Tollan – "No, I'm not!"

Teal'c – "Indeed. You…"

Sam – (Interrupts) "Sir, there's more over here!"

Jack - (Sung) "It's Raining men..."

Teal'c – "O'Neill you will cease and desist immediately, or I will be forced to take action."

Jack – "Okeley dokely"

Daniel – "And here. Hey it's like hide and go seek! Right, now I'll count to 100 and you guys…"

Jack – "Ah Daniel… you remember Mr Ash Spewing Volcano don't you?"

Daniel – "Oh, right! So let's get these people through the gate before we become characters in "Pompeii II: The tale of the Tollans!"

Jack – "What the he…."

Daniel – "Never mind."

Jack – "Hey, ET phone home!"

Daniel – "Hey, at least I'm not singing in this episode!"

Jack – "You obviously didn't get the memo Re: script changes!"

Daniel – (sung) "Oops I did it again… Dammit!"

Back at the SGC

Jack – (sung) "Talk to me, tell me your name!"

Daniel – "Please, please, don't start that again!"

Jack – "Right! well…um… (sung) what's new pussy cat?"

Sam – "Colonel!"

Teal'c - (powering up zat) "You have been warned O'Neill"

Jack – "Ok, alright already. I won't sing anymore. Gaah! Damn writers! You got a name pal?"

Omoc – My name is Omoc, you fool! Let me go!

Jack – Omoc! That's a pretty name!"

General Hammond - "Do you know the Goa'uld?"

Jack – "Yeah, you know those glowing eyed people?"

Omoc – "Yes we know them and we don't care! Let me go home!"

Jack – "No!" (Pokes his tongue out)

Omoc – "You have no authority over me, you are nothing but primitives now let me go home!"

Sam – "Alright, no!"

Omoc – "Nor do you woman! Let me go home!"

Sam- "Woman? No one calls me woman!"

Jack – "Uh-oh! Now you're in for it!"

Daniel - "Yep, you're screwed!"

Teal'c – "Indeed"

Sam - (powers up zat and fires at Omoc)

Omoc- (once the zat blast has worn off) "Is that the best you can do?"

Sam- "Nope! That's child's play. I just thought I'd go easy on you, first offence 'n all"

Omoc – "Let me go you worthless cretins"

Daniel – "How about, no?"

Omoc – "Nerd alert! Let me go ho…"

Jack -(interrupts) "Hey! I'm the only one who's allowed to call him that"

Daniel – "What?"

Jack – "What?"

Omak - "LET ME GO!"

Teal'c – "NO!"

Omoc – "Actually I'm a little sleepy now!"

Sam – "So I want you to meet my friend. I named him after a boring old famous guy from history ** _."_**

Narim – "Not Fluffy?"

Sam – "Uh no, his name's Schrödinger."

Narim – " Nice name!"

Sam – "I thought you had never seen a cat before."

Narim – "Well I didn't want to say anything, but I am more of a dog person! Oh, and you are an angel."

Sam – "Say what now?"

Tuplo – "Hidy ho neighbourinos"

Omoc – "Nice hat. Who is this guy?"

Jack – "This is your new buddy. You guys are going to stay at his joint for a while!"

Tuplo – "You will love it! We have a divine lighting scheme!"

Omoc – "I don't care how good the lighting scheme is i do not associate with geeks"

Tuplo – "I'm no geek"

Omoc – "In that hat. Yes you are"

Daniel – "Um, actually the script says that later you and I have a poignant moment on the surface where…"

Omak – "Ok, ok, Fine, but it doesn't mean I have to like your kind."

Daniel – "C'mon! I'm way cooler than that guy! I'm not wearing a stupid hat!"

Mrs D – "Not to mention how exceptionally sexy he is!"

Jack – "Exactly! Wait a minute…"

Teal'c – "O'Neill have you been withholding information from us?"

Jack – "No! This isn't a slash story and even if it was I certainly wouldn't tell you. Don't ask don't tell and all that."

Omoc – "Um, hello! Over here I'm supposed to be criticising your existence here!"

Mrs D – "Sorry! My fault! ;) mmm…"

Aussie Mel – "Yeah, Now back to your regularly scheduled insanity"

Sam – "Have I missed anything?"

General Hammond – "SG-1 I have some bad news."

Sam – "We have to get rid of the Tollan?"

General Hammond – "Ah, no, we actually have a visitor!"

Jack – "Damn!"

Harry Mayborne – "Honey! I'm home!"

Jack – "Oh crap!"

Teal'c – "Indeed!"

Harry Mayborne – "General I have been sent here to make you see sense and hand over the Tollan."

Jack – "No, you've been sent here to be a pain in my arse!"

Daniel – "Same thing apparently!"

Mayborne – "Hey, don't blame me! I'm here on the presidents orders."

Jack – "Another one of his major stuff ups."

Daniel – "Yeah and I voted for him"

Sam – "Well he just lost my vote"

Harry Mayborne – "Hand over the Tollan"

Jack – "No"

Harry Mayborne – "Yes"

Jack – "No"

Harry Mayborne – "Yes"

General Hammond – "Colonel!"

Jack and Harry Mayborne – "Yes Sir"

General Hammond – "Go jump off a bridge Mayborne. That's an order"

Harry Mayborne – "Yes Sir"

On the Surface of the SGC.

General Hammond – "Why am I here Colonel?"

Jack – "The weasel isn't Sir"

Sam – "The Tollan need to escape Sir"

General Hammond – "We'd be court martialled"

Sam and Jack – "Yes Sir"

Daniel – "I won't (sung) I'm free to do what I want any old time"

Jack – "Daniel"

Daniel – "Sorry"

Jack – "And you thought I was annoying?"

Omoc – "We have to go"

Daniel – "Take me! Take me! Take me!"

Omoc – "Very well"

Daniel – "Is it time for our poignant moment?"

Omoc – "Yes"

Daniel – "Jack will be so jealous. Won't that do-hicky take for ever to reach the Nox?"

Omoc – "No"

Daniel – "Why not?"

Omoc – "You wouldn't understand"

Daniel – "No, Me Dumb"

Lya – "Your race is young. You aren't. The Tollan are welcome."

Harry Mayborne – "Fire!"

Lya – "No, Sorry"

Jack – "Guns go Bye Bye"

Jack – "Danny you 'Da man"

Teal'c – "Mayborne?"

Sam – "He's up shit creek without a paddle … Sir"

Jack – "Watcha thinking?"

Daniel – "Wouldn't you like to know!"

Finis


End file.
